The Unfortunate Benefits Of Staying The Same

Last week we talked about the daily struggle many of us experience. We talked about what learning opportunities we might uncover if we ask ourselves the difficult questions. If we look closely, we might find the roots of our underlying unease.

Any kind of meaningful change we wish for ourselves, inevitably requires us to look at our behaviors first. And looking at our behaviors might be tough, because we might find that we are not perfect. We might find that our carefully constructed identity is an illusion.

But you know what? That's quite okay. Because instead of feeling bad about a certain behavior, we can take a deep breath and first acknowledge the reasons why we are doing what we're doing.

Let's take an alcoholic. It is beneficial to ignite change by talking about the advantages of drinking. Of course alcohol tastes amazing, and it makes him feel good when he drinks it. It relaxes him and lets him forget the worries of his life. It is an attempt to solve a problem.

Once the alcoholic acknowledges that, he can have an honest, unguarded, shame-free conversation about whether alcohol is the best way to solve the problem. It probably is not. But without feeling ashamed, there is no psychological defense mechanism in the way, and progress can be made.

We can actually reframe any situation from a "failure to change" to "an understanding of our desire to stay the same".

But why do we want to stay the same?

A question worth pondering! The issue is, once we have identified possible areas of change, we recognize that those roots run deep. That they are firmly attached to the whole story we tell ourselves and the very identity we choose to inhabit. Upending those roots will literally tear at the fabric of who we think we are. No wonder we want to stay the same!

Dr. Ellenhorn, author of the book How We Change, identified ten reasons why we want to stay the same. I picked a few of them out for you and wrote my take on it:

1. Staying the same protects you from the accountability of what’s next

Each change you make testifies that you are accountable for the life that lies ahead. The more you change, the more you see that future change is within your power.

2. Staying the same protects you from your own expectations

When you raise your own expectations by making a change in your life, you always risk raising your faith in and hope for yourself. That means an increased risk for experiences of disappointment and loss of faith.

3. Staying the same protects you from the expectations of others

When you make positive change in your life, you inevitably raise the expectations of others. Doing so, you risk that others will witness you as the author of your life, and then expect more out of you.

4. Staying the same protects you from the insult of small steps

To change, you must take incremental steps toward a goal, each step an insulting reminder of where you are and how far you have to go to reach your goals. To stay on the track of incremental change requires the ability to envision the goal you want to achieve, while being able to act in a truly measured way, seeing things as they are, inch by inch.

5. Staying the same protects a memorial to your pain

Staying the same is often the only means of protecting an enduring memory of past events that were painful or traumatic. Changing is thus like demolishing a memorial. It’s tantamount to forgetting.

6. Staying the same protects you from changing your relationship with yourself

Changing yourself means changing how you relate to you.

I feel if we approach the changes we want to see in our lives first from the angle of what we gain from our current behaviors, it's much easier to grasp where to start. It also makes us realize that we are not bad people, but that we are simply afraid of the consequences any change brings to our lives.